The various Tea Party organizers have put forward a Contract From America which was voted on over the last few months by over 400,000 tea partiers (no clue if there were repeat votes. Not really important here).
The Dude thinks its a good list. Its concise and straightforward and easy to understand and really doesn’t require much to interpret. One would think. So, I asked my good friend Keith Olbermann (or a fake but accurate facsimile thereof) what he thought about it and he said that he’d need to translate this for his viewers. Here was our exchange. ‘DWK’ are comments from me. KERMOOTO are comments from Keith ‘Edward R. Murrow of Our Time‘ Olbermann.
DWK: Keith! Thanks for stopping by. How are things?
KERMOOTO: They are going great, though I’m still not sure who you are. My secretary says you’re not important enough to be considered the Worst Person in the World, so consider this just my gift to the common man. The racist common man that is. Anyway, I’m doing great. My ratings are through the roof. I have my own army of dittoheads just like that fat deaf guy Rush Limbaugh. And they still let me on Football Night in America to pretend that I was once a moderately entertaining sports news reader. I bet THAT really pisses off Rush. Couldn’t be better.
DWK: Well, that’s great man, though its possible you are reading the latest Nielsens upside down. Anyway, you are a fan of the Tea Party, right? You want to offer your thoughts on the Tea Party’s ‘Contract from America’?
KERMOOTO: Absolutely. Its all I can talk about when not reminding America that Sarah Palin is just another dumb broad. I was thinking I’d offer my own translation from the original German it was written in. You know, so that its easily understandable by the moderate silent majority that reside in such middle American places like upper Manhattan and northern California.
DWK: German? Ah, I get it. The Tea Party is fascist?
KERMOOTO: Yes. I figured if I spoke slowly, you’d figure it out. I thought about saying the ‘original Klingon’ but I figured your readers would take that as meaning I liked people with dark skin, which might kill my credibility with your readers, assuming they can read words with more than one syllable.
DWK: OK then. I’ll turn it over to you. Each number is the original Contract From America bullet point and Keith’s insightful translation.
1. Protect the Constitution
Require each bill to identify the specific provision of the Constitution that gives Congress the power to do what the bill does. (82.03%)
KERMOOTO: Bring back Whites-only water fountains and bathrooms. For starters.
2. Reject Cap & Trade
Stop costly new regulations that would increase unemployment, raise consumer prices, and weaken the nation’s global competitiveness with virtually no impact on global temperatures. (72.20%)
KERMOOTO: A coal burning power plant for every school and more arsenic in your ice water. And Hummers for everyone. Sadly, I was not able to fit the obvious Sarah Palin joke with that last one. I save those for my show. Please tune in. MSNBC at 8pm New York time. Week nights. I have to say ‘please’ because Congress has yet to outlaw Fox News.
3. Demand a Balanced Budget
Begin the Constitutional amendment process to require a balanced budget with a two-thirds majority needed for any tax hike. (69.69%)
KERMOOTO: Well, OK. The poor won’t get Hummers. They’ll be starved to death because conservatives skip the “help thy neighbor” portion of the Bibles they use to block out the real world they live in.
4. Enact Fundamental Tax Reform
Adopt a simple and fair single-rate tax system by scrapping the internal revenue code and replacing it with one that is no longer than 4,543 words—the length of the original Constitution. (64.90%)
KERMOOTO: Give more of society’s money to the filthy rich who are out golfing while sticking it to the little guy who can’t afford to buy the cable package with MSNBC so they can hear the truth dispensed on my show.
5. Restore Fiscal Responsibility & Constitutionally Limited Government in Washington
Create a Blue Ribbon taskforce that engages in a complete audit of federal agencies and programs, assessing their Constitutionality, and identifying duplication, waste, ineffectiveness, and agencies and programs better left for the states or local authorities, or ripe for wholesale reform or elimination due to our efforts to restore limited government consistent with the US Constitution’s meaning. (63.37%)
KERMOOTO: Bring back the glory days of segregation with states rights!
6. End Runaway Government Spending
Impose a statutory cap limiting the annual growth in total federal spending to the sum of the inflation rate plus the percentage of population growth. (56.57%)
KERMOOTO: Less welfare. More Enron’s and Haliburtons.
7. Defund, Repeal, & Replace Government-run Health Care
Defund, repeal and replace the recently passed government-run health care with a system that actually makes health care and insurance more affordable by enabling a competitive, open, and transparent free-market health care and health insurance system that isn’t restricted by state boundaries. (56.39%)
KERMOOTO: Give your first born to the Insurance Companies.
8. Pass an ‘All-of-the-Above” Energy Policy
Authorize the exploration of proven energy reserves to reduce our dependence on foreign energy sources from unstable countries and reduce regulatory barriers to all other forms of energy creation, lowering prices and creating competition and jobs. (55.51%)
KERMOOTO: Explore whether or not dead minorities and foreigners constitute a renewable energy source.
9. Stop the Pork
Place a moratorium on all earmarks until the budget is balanced, and then require a 2/3 majority to pass any earmark. (55.47%)
KERMOOTO: Pork is an obvious reference to barbecue which is a code word for black people. So, this obviously means Stop the Black People.
10. Stop the Tax Hikes
Permanently repeal all tax hikes, including those to the income, capital gains, and death taxes, currently scheduled to begin in 2011. (53.38%)
KERMOOTO: Outlaw homosexuality, MSNBC, Abortion, the Huffington Post, minorities and anyone who refuses to name their second born George, Dick or Sarah.
DWK: It must be tough being Keith Olbermann, what with your ability to interpret the exact meaning of what the Tea Partiers really mean. I hear ’small government’, ‘low taxes’ and ‘founding principles’ but you hear ’screw black people.’ Your power is not unlike the kid from ‘Sixth Sense’. Your political talk show career seems to be on the same trend line as that kid’s acting career too. How do you sleep at night with such knowledge?
KERMOOTO: I sleep well knowing only white liberals like myself are best qualified to see that racism lurks in the hearts of so many uneducated Americans. I have the support of a thriving network and hundreds of loyal fans who know the real truth that Hitler came to power talking about low taxes, small decentralized government, fiscal responsibility, freedom of religion, gun rights and free markets. We don’t want that history to be repeated here by letting inexperienced chicks who are barely qualified for a casting call for ‘Fargo’ and all the other bigots from fly-over country hold elected jobs. If they want to work in Government, that’s why we have the post office. Ivy Leaguers have been running this country for all my life and they are what make this country great. Now I have to prepare for my show. Tonight we’re going to expose the stupidity of the Tea Partiers who apparently believe the moon landing was faked. Please tune in. MSNBC at 8:00 pm New York City time. Please, please tune in. Our advertisers are getting antsy.
DWK: Thanks for stopping by Keith. We’ll be sure to have you back for more of that biting truth telling that you do so well.